Life Goes On

I have spent most of my life making up for the things I was taught early on, unfortunately by those in my family. Knowing the things that I did would never yield positive, or cumulative results for me, hell that was the point. Brought up to be expedible .

Life goes on....

To the important people in my family, those who weren't then but are very much so now...I have become a hero, not sure how...I live a life I have never thought I deserved. Thievery, lies, backstabbing and hate were the core of my upbringing.

I allowed...yes allowed a dear friend of mine take his own life...what seemed at the time to be my gift to a man I could see was in too much pain to go on...this being contradictory to all I was taught. There was nothing in this act for me..but it was my sacrifice for him. Jesus I miss him...he had such a life ahead of him...better than I ever anticipated for myself.

I used to see him in crowds after he died. It was the most surreal feeling I had experienced to date, 20 years ago. I was 21 when he died...I say died he shot himself behind my house. Leaving me to deliver his last wishes via a letter to his parents. Yea, I was a great friend...in those days.

Twenty years of repentance...missing him so much now, in a way I don't think I could of then...odd, we shared the same name.

What you read here is not a revelation to me...I carry it with me everyday. That situation defined who I have become since then. Sure I rationalize the circumstances,  always knowing....fearing that because of that moment of weakness it would come back to me..regardless of things I would so to improve my life.

Life goes on...a boy which is what I was goes off to school as a means of honoring his last wishes..."you are to smart for us,he would say" so I would set out to honor him and justify my mistake....boy struggles with understanding the spiritually or religious aspects...angry at God boy perseveres, refusing to give up..a pathetic attempt to justify his continued existence without his friend.

Life goes on...

Boy meets girl and realizes this is why he perseveres...they have children, wonderful, beautiful children and boy begins to believe this is a life may, deserve..I mean he has worked so hard to honor his friends memory...live despite life he thought. I am doing what,you wanted me to....12 years of wonderful marriage...3 kids but no longer just for you. For us, for them...

Life goes on...

But, although my current condition has directly befallen me, it is a condition that they, my family and my wonderful friends have to suffer as well. Damn, you I have always been strong enough to play the hand dealt to me...but I can't watch then stare aimlessly at the cards dealt to them, confused as to why they gold the cards to a game they are only playing because of my mistake. Their only fault is knowing and/or loving me...this is not a game they can just fold and bow out, I'm the pot they have bet on.

I used to dream about him, sometimes it helped make sense of life and the choices made...I used to dream of time travel, different choices, decisions and outcomes....but

Life goes on