Balance to LIfe

In most of the early days of my life, I will attest, I claimed profusely my life was not all fair, by any means and did this often.

Life won't throw me a bone, I was just trying to shoplift some item, where's my opportunity I just wanted to steal these tools I need to repair my car, or eighty dollars worth of candy for my friends as the beloved Robin Hood did so many times, mind you while may parents were in the store for their own business! Angered, why is life not being fair to me, what do I need to do to get to give me a break?!

Humorous, of the most deliriously humorous thing I can think of right now, to put it in current terms of other language, LOL or ROFLMAO. Fairness, the balance of life that exists for us all.

Oh yes I was caught most times I attempted to steal anything. I was good at it for the most part, I got away with it more times then not, but those were not the times that offended me, it were the times I got caught I felt the need to cry to the heavens, why are you picking on me????

Life moves on, we all moved on as well, regardless of where we were in our lives or regardless if we new each other. Life should provide its moments of fairness when it sees fit, because later in your life you will be presented with situations that really are not fair in any way possible, those times you should look to the heavens and ask why me? Why are you no being fair to me now. I have improved my life tremendously, educated myself in many areas, Married the women/soul mate of mine, had three unbelievable children, so many great friends that I would not hesitate to all them family.

I ask you the same question I used to ask you years ago, "where is my beak?" "Why is it always the other guy?" "But, that is how it has always been, right life, it has always been the other guy who deserved the break." See I got a taste of the life I was trying to lead, and a taste is all I deserve, right.

 I get to answer numerous times for my older son, "yes son I will be permanently died and won't com back, my daughter, why can't we get a miracle?" Unable to tell them how long I have left to lie, not that I would have told them if I knew.

Deciding to sit down and write letters to each of them expressing how much I love them, how and why they are such great kids. Try to reach out from the grave to provide some assistance to them that may helps them get over the death of their Father, a man they barely got to know. If I am to be called home, I will come home angry with many more questions.

There is so much let I want to do with my Wife and Kids and this unfairness is not an issue I thought I would ever have to deal with, let alone at the age of forty-one.

Signed- As Fair as life could be.

 

His Will...

So....today was a pretty paramount day for me. Not that I expect any of you to know, but My relationship with God and Jesus over my life has been weakened if not at times non-existent. Why, several reasons, some of them are blatantly spoken about in prior posts other are embedded in them.

Over the last year, I have been taken steps to strengthen this relationship through recommended readings, meetings with Pastor John and reviewing bible versus.

Today I ended that journey and began a new...

I confessed and committed myself to our Lord and Savior, I verbally prayed and confessed that I do believe in Him, I trust in him to do with me what ever his will is. I placed all my faith in Him and prayed to Him to help me through my current situation and any future obstacles that I am faced with.

This new journey I have now begun is an exciting one, for I finally came to the conclusion, many thanks in part to  my Aunt and Uncle, that despite what my Parents drilled into my head over my life, I am worthy. Worthy to myself, to my wife and family and most of all to God and Jesus!

A once discarded boy by the biological beings who chose to have him, has now been CHOSEN into a family for just who I am, a Man who grew from that same little discarded little boy.

Jesus- Bless them an take care of them.

Amen
 

Humans beware! For mutants are in fact real. For I am the prof

Blah Blah Cancer, Blah Blah I have it...yes, yes we know.

Yet, curious as to how I got it...hmmmm, it is may be pretty interesting to know. Let's begin with excluding the leading causes of my type of cancer, Hurthle Cell Carcinoma. Now this is in fact a type of thyroid cancer, but this cancer. being malignant has spread to my lungs affecting them a well.

So, am I a smoker? Sure an occasional cigarette throughout my teen years, but never any prolonged usage of tobacco. Okay, we can exclude this as the cause.

Environmental concerns? Nope, I have never lived in or worked directly with any chemicals in prior jobs or n the environments I lived

Well the there must be family history of cancer, that must be the root cause of the cancer, right?

Again no.

In short, the true cause of this cancer is really not known, best medical guestimation is that the DNA in my body has mutated to certain degree creating the carcinoma by very own body I trying to fight off...mutation!!

I am a mutant...Awesome, when do the clause come shooting from my hands, I wake up with Hugh Jackman's six pack abs? Lasers shooting from my eyes, flying invisibility etc.

Come on! How can I, being the only known mutant, advance the human race with a thyroid the size baseball glove coupled with the inability to breathe. No Super villain would fear that. Maybe my super powers will begin to set in a the radiation and chemotherapy continue.

Well world, you will have to wait a bit longer for your true savior, for I am not quite ready to unleash my flurry of bezerker  moves on you yet.

Just some fun reading for thought...

 

Changing Embrace...

Cancer. I have it. You know it, BOO!

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, we can move on to the real topic of this, You. You, who have brought us food, mowed our lawn, provided child care and not to overlook the prayers thoughts and well wishes from You.

As mentioned in prior posts, as a result of how I was raised, my embrace on life has at best been suspicious, towards anything and usually mostly towards other. As positive as I would try to remain, suspicions towards the circumstances always lingered. It was engrained into me early on and had a huge hold  on my life.

I looked t life as something I had to navigate as one would due so a mind field, cautious of people I interacted with on a daily basis. Never believing that these very same people had sincere intentions and honest goals to achieve.

Longer story short, I have always considered myself lesser of a good person than I considered others. Always curious as to how I can elevate myself to the same level and show others I can be a better person, that I am not this cynical suspicious person I was groomed to be. Trust me, it took a lot of observation, implementation of things that I saw work for others, patience...more patience and most importantly recognizing what worked and when to implement the positives.

I took examples from all levels of friends co-workers and what little family I could draw from. Improvements as a co-worker were the first to present themselves, then as a husband and most importantly a Father.

Later, as these measures became easier to recognize and implement based on what I was seeing from those around me, I realized it was getting easier to implement these attributes. Then, it dawned  on me, unbeknownst to myself I realized that I had unsuspectedly surrounded myself with a wonderful group of people, people who had so much to offer those around them, myself included.

My point being, my embrace on life has undergone a significant change, replaced by a changing embrace towards life and other in my life.

Cancer...I got it and it sucks right now,

What doesn't suck is the magnitude of people who have come to the aide of my situation, great people who have made themselves know in so  many ways, offering any and all services to us.

I my have embraced life in the past as a person less than others, but now I realize that I have successfully navigated my way through these prior life situations with my friends and family as my compass.

I have been forever changed, not by cancer, but by the actions I have been blessed with from others. These actions have cemented the idea that I have elevated myself to another level of person, friend, husband and father.

It has been a completely eye opening experience, to see first hand and direct result of just how amazing people can be to others, without suspicion or hidden agendas. I will never be able to adequately express the gratitude I have to all of you for your offers of services in our current predicament and mostly of prior situations that allowed me to grow and develop as a person.

All of you have forever changed my embrace on life, for the best it can be, and this journey is no where near completed.

Knowing awesome people makes it easy to become better people....for me, all of you are these awesome people!!!

Chris

 

Swim...

I am sitting here trying to find a topic to discuss....in my headphones I am hearing Tim McGraw, you know the song...."Live Like You Were Dying"

This song means more poinent than ever, as reality is beginning to set in for me. May 14th 2: 08AM.

As I listen to this song, I am reminded of my children, my friends, Family....and more importantly Jenny. To describe her as my soul mate, eternal friend, mate, spouse, advocate etc, is truly an understatement. Jenny, I speak to you directly as I know you subscribe to this blog...

Words will never...ever describe how proud I am to be your husband, as I type this with tears in my eyes and song in my ears, I will never be able to explain to you how SORRY I am that you were given this news to deliver to me. I cannot say that it would have been any easier for to deliver this news to you, but given the opportunity I would have fell on that blade, if nothing more than to save you that one ounce of pain. I will never forget the look on your face when you walked in from the kitchen rom talking to the doctor, I would give aything to take that pain from you, the presenter of that cross to a man who has minimal faith in anything other than you! That moment should not have been a cross for you to bare!

I know others will read this, and know this is the most vulnerable state one can be in. I have always known I can be a better person to those I love, but I never knew how to do that until I met you. Regardless of what happens from this point on, please know You have been so amazing to me, a Man who wasn't desreving of his own mothers love, found that love in a women he never thought would give him the time of day, let alone three beautiful, wonderful, sweet, considerate children.

Hold on I need a break, I am crying to hard to type...

Okay...I think I have it together,

Nope!!! Hold On...

Not yet....ohhhhh How I love You!!!! I know you will say apologies are necessary, but how can I not apologize, no one signs on for this. " Would you marry me?" Oh and in thirteen years I will be diagnose with Cancer, after we have three wonderful kids...."Please say yes!!!"

I find some comfort that we have moved forward and have a surgery date in place, but...crying hold on...breathe...breathe.....but I am terrified!!! Nerves, arteries, vocal cords, tracheadomies.....holy hell, so many things to worry about, other than the cancer!

Regardless of the outcome, I hope I have done enough to justify me. A good person, Husband, Father and friend. You tell me all that I am all of these, and I trust you are right. But if not, know I have have put every ounce of my being into being that very thing.

I know life is not fair to any of us, but it should not be fair to us specifically. Meaning, you should not have to deal with my infairness...we share life, our children share our life and none of this is fair to any of you.

Although, we are in the situation we are in now, I would have expressed my love to you, asked for you hand and had our children without hesitation. I am better now than I was now for it.

I don't know how to end this.....so I will just say, none of what I have written completely explains or describres how....one sec...crying again, just how much I have enjoyed my life with you, but I can say I will enjoy the next thirty or so years with you, our children, their children and our friends.

Love Bob(Chris)....

Life Goes On

I have spent most of my life making up for the things I was taught early on, unfortunately by those in my family. Knowing the things that I did would never yield positive, or cumulative results for me, hell that was the point. Brought up to be expedible .

Life goes on....

To the important people in my family, those who weren't then but are very much so now...I have become a hero, not sure how...I live a life I have never thought I deserved. Thievery, lies, backstabbing and hate were the core of my upbringing.

I allowed...yes allowed a dear friend of mine take his own life...what seemed at the time to be my gift to a man I could see was in too much pain to go on...this being contradictory to all I was taught. There was nothing in this act for me..but it was my sacrifice for him. Jesus I miss him...he had such a life ahead of him...better than I ever anticipated for myself.

I used to see him in crowds after he died. It was the most surreal feeling I had experienced to date, 20 years ago. I was 21 when he died...I say died he shot himself behind my house. Leaving me to deliver his last wishes via a letter to his parents. Yea, I was a great friend...in those days.

Twenty years of repentance...missing him so much now, in a way I don't think I could of then...odd, we shared the same name.

What you read here is not a revelation to me...I carry it with me everyday. That situation defined who I have become since then. Sure I rationalize the circumstances,  always knowing....fearing that because of that moment of weakness it would come back to me..regardless of things I would so to improve my life.

Life goes on...a boy which is what I was goes off to school as a means of honoring his last wishes..."you are to smart for us,he would say" so I would set out to honor him and justify my mistake....boy struggles with understanding the spiritually or religious aspects...angry at God boy perseveres, refusing to give up..a pathetic attempt to justify his continued existence without his friend.

Life goes on...

Boy meets girl and realizes this is why he perseveres...they have children, wonderful, beautiful children and boy begins to believe this is a life may, deserve..I mean he has worked so hard to honor his friends memory...live despite life he thought. I am doing what,you wanted me to....12 years of wonderful marriage...3 kids but no longer just for you. For us, for them...

Life goes on...

But, although my current condition has directly befallen me, it is a condition that they, my family and my wonderful friends have to suffer as well. Damn, you I have always been strong enough to play the hand dealt to me...but I can't watch then stare aimlessly at the cards dealt to them, confused as to why they gold the cards to a game they are only playing because of my mistake. Their only fault is knowing and/or loving me...this is not a game they can just fold and bow out, I'm the pot they have bet on.

I used to dream about him, sometimes it helped make sense of life and the choices made...I used to dream of time travel, different choices, decisions and outcomes....but

Life goes on

How!?

How can people be so dumb? I have never been considered a smart person, by myself nor by others. But,  I am entrusted and relied upon to do many things and make many decisions.. So if I and others have always thought of me as less than smart.. What the Hell does that say about the rest of you!?